Goodness Gracious, MORE TLC!

Wednesday is a mixed day for me. The first half of the day is great; I have work off, Holly has work off, and we usually get some great things done. However, the cloud hanging over me for most Wednesdays is that I work the late shift at the MTC-4:30 to 9:00. By the time I get home, I'm pretty drained, and just want to kick back and relax.

Usually, that means Holly takes control of the remote, which means it's TLC time.

It started tonight with a relatively new TLC hit, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. For obvious reasons, this show is of particular interest to us. Essentially, the show is made up of interviews and re-enactments of women who somehow didn't realize they were pregnant until they gave birth. How that happens is beyond me, but I digress...

One of the most shocking stories from this night was a mother who had TWINS without even knowing until she gave birth while sitting on the toilet complaining of cramps. Girl, you best believe you got cramps with identical twin girls up in you.

The most shocking thing about these women and their babies is that, even without pre-natal care, the babies on the show end up being just fine. It makes me shake my head sometimes that Holly and I take all the time and expense to do all the OB visits and the pre-natal vitamins and the whole thing when some women can have perfectly healthy babies without it.

Oh, well. Hooray for Holly's Wells Fargo benefits!

After an hour of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant came the latest edition of Toddlers and Tiaras, which I reamed in this space last week.

Thankfully, this week's episode did not make my blood boil as hotly as last week's did. For starters, the pageant was set in Lafayette, Louisiana and not Austin. Also, the mothers were not quite as catty this time around. If anything, it was the little girls who had more attitude this week.

One in particular has me worried.

Madison Berg is a 10 year-old pageant veteran. No one in the pageant world, however, knows her as Madison. On stage, she goes by "Tootie". This goes far beyond a simple stage name, though. This girl essentially as a split personality: Madison loves to be outside playing soccer and running around. Tootie, though, would "never play soccer" and would lose any footrace between her and Madison because Tootie "would be wearing high heels". When asked about her competition, Tootie slams them by saying "I don't care about them."

In essence, Madison is a perfectly charming little girl while Tootie is a little...

Big ups, though, to Madison's mom, Stacy, for admitting that she feels like a slave at times while meeting Tootie's demands.

The Bergs also get bonus points for having (no joke) a framed Finding Faith in Christ pass-along card in their home. Holly saw it as I was typing, and blurted it out much to our common delight.

Truly, the work moves forward.

Happy Pioneer Day!

Holly and I celebrated Pioneer Day by going to the Orem Owlz baseball game. Owlz win 5-1! Here are some photos from our very fun night.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Oy...

Holly has been getting me to watch a lot of TLC lately. Usually, it happens later on at night, after I get my baseball and Sportscenter fix. I'll admit, there are some shows I've come to like. Holly's personal favorite is "What Not To Wear", which I will never need to be on because all I wear are white shirts, ties, and dark pants. Yep. That sums my wardrobe up pretty nicely.

Holly has been eagerly awaiting one show in particluar, which we are watching as I type.

Toddlers and Tiaras.

Even though our baby is still currently in Holly's body, we are already better parents than some of the people on this show. I know that every parent believes their child is the absolute cutest; I'm sure we will be that way when the day comes. Exploiting that beauty as these parents do, though, is brutal.

Hilarious, but brutal.

Take Eden from Arkansas. Her mother has invested "$65,000 to $70,000" in pageantry for her. To keep Eden from getting fussy in the dressing room, her mother uses her hands as puppets, "Bobby Sue" and "Billy Bob". Eden proudly proclaims that they are her "best friends".

For me, the lowlight was the mother with twin daughters, AshLynn and BreeAnne (correctly spelled, despite what you may think), who constantly pits them against each other. If that wasn't enough, she openly acknowledges that BreeAnne is the more polished and professional one. EVEN IN FRONT OF ASHLYNN!!!!

Maybe I could have tolerated this whole thing if the show wasn't set in one of my favorite places: Austin. The fact that the name of our dear mission has been besmirched by such obsessive pageant moms is almost more than I can bear.

Long story short: if you want a show that helps boost your parent-esteem, take a look at Toddlers and Tiaras.

I will now step off the soapbox.

O Dollar Tree, O Dollar Tree

So, Holly and I have grown quite fond of Dollar Tree over the last little while. It beats out other dollar stores for us because, well, everything's a dollar. None of this $4, $5, or $6 crap they try to pull at other dollar stores. You know what to expect right when you walk in the door.

Tonight, for example, was a birthday party for Sarah, the wife of Cory, one of my old roommates. Since we knew it would be a modestly small gathering, we decided we would peruse the Provo Dollar Tree and see what we could find. Since she works with the BYU Police Department (as a receptionist; not packing heat by any means), we were hoping to find a badge or something cute like that.

Instead, we hit the mother lode.

A six-piece police action set, complete with badge, handcuffs, whistle, mini plastic nightstick, plastic walkie-talkie, and some other coppish article I can't remember right now. We got that, 30 sheets of tissue paper, a Happy Birthday bag, and a pregnancy test (just to freak Cory out). We know the pregnancy test is legit, because the cashier said so to a lady in front of us in line: "If it didn't work, they wouldn't let us sell it." Profound.

All that for $4 and tax. Sarah loved it; truly the highlight of the party. Cory did get freaked out, as we predicted, which was an added bonus.

To be perfectly honest, however, there is more to this love affair than just trinkets for birthdays. My favorite aspect of Dollar Tree?

One. Dollar. Books.

Mind you, most of the books available are either paperback Bibles or other spiritually-minded fare. Often, though, many sports books dot the shelves. One dollar for hardcovers that once went for $25? No need to ask me twice.

Here's a rundown of all the books I've ever bought from Dollar Tree:

Why Not Us? The 86-Year Journey of the Boston Red Sox Fans from Unparallelled Suffering to the Promised Land of the 2004 World Series, by Leigh Montville

Hideki Matsui: Sportsmanship, Modesty, and the Art of the Home Run, by Shizuka Ijuin (Winner for best title)

The Education of a Coach, by David Halberstam (Mini-bio of NE Patriots coach Bill Belichick)

700 Sundays, by Billy Crystal (The adaptation of his One-man show on Broadway)

Man in the Middle, by John Amaechi (The guy who used to play for the Jazz who is gay)

The Sixth Man, by Chris Palmer (NBA offseason book)

Big Papi: My Story of Big Dreams and Big Hits, by David Ortiz (and another guy. No way the Dominican Daddy could piece together such an elaborate memoir.)

Third and a Mile: The Trials and Triumphs of the Black Quarterback, by William C. Rhoden (Deep title. Deep.)

Miracle in the Andes: 72 Days on the Mountain and My Long Trek Home, by Nando Parrado (Uruguayan rugby player who survived a plane crash)

The Punch, by John Feinstein (Kermit Washington vs. Rudy Tomjonavich)

Man o' War: A Legend Like Lightning, by Dorothy Ours (Horsies!)

That's 11, count 'em, 11 books for 11 bucks! Gotta love that!

Needless to say, Dollar Tree will continue to be a staple of our marriage, methinks.

New Blog-innings

Holly's friends all have blogs. I guess some of mine do, too. Anyway, all those blogging friends of Holly's kept asking us when we would start a blog. Well, here we are! Even if you aren't one of Holly's friends with blogs, you are more than welcome to read along as we write about the adventures of married life in our tiny Provo apartment.

We figured we would start off our blog with a major announcement: something that would provide enough drama to get a big readership right away, and keep it steadily growing through word-of-mouth advertisement and the like. Some of you have heard it already, but for the rest of you, here it is...

Holly is pregnant.

I know what you're thinking, "Daaang! Didn't they just get married?!?" Well, it has been almost two months now since we tied the knot. Holly is about six weeks along now, and she has been quite the trooper so far. We're just scratching and clawing our way to the second trimester so the illness can take a backseat to people endlessly rubbing Holly's belly for months on end.

We already have settled on names, after much heated debate and clashing naming styles. I like more traditional names, and Holly is more modern chic. Luckily, though, we have come to a compromise.

If it's a boy, his name will be Austin Travis Mortimer. Austin is, after all, where we met and hopefully where we can go again to begin post-college life. It is in Travis County, so that's where that comes from.

If it's a girl, she will be Lily Jade Mortimer. This was the girl name I liked the most of the dozens Holly rattled off that she liked. I guess she just has more of a knack for coming up with cool girl names than I do.

We will continue to keep you out there in Blogland updated as the months go on. Any parenting counsel/advice/wisdom is greatly appreciated!